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When we experience issues with our significant other, ninety percent of the issue is baggage from the past; only ten percent has to do with the present and our partner. Typically we and our partners tend to pass blame. So what differentiates a difficult partner from a healthy partner? Difficult people refuse to take personal ownership for their own issues and their part in relational conflict. Healthy individuals are willing to explore their own issues that may contribute to disagreements. Very often a difficult partner is not open to discussion and becomes angry or distant when their significant other attempts to resolve an issue. The following insights will help you understand this type of partner. I suggest you print two copies out and leave one for your partner to read.

1.	There Are Three Yous. The you that you know. The you the world knows. The you your partner knows. The one your partner knows is the real you. It takes enormous courage to own this. Get rid of our partner and our issues follow us into the next relationship. Our significant other most likely reflects that side of us that we may want to deny. The very traits of our mother and father that we dislike will show up to our significant other. Allow your partner to reflect the truth.
2.	Every Relationship Has Two Kids. We all bring our younger self into our intimate relationships. Name your little boy or little girl and ask your partner to do the same. When you find yourselves arguing, ask who’s talking: the younger self or the adult? The needs we didn’t get met in childhood, we seek to meet in adulthood. The parental role often gets transferred to our partner with whom we unleash our blame, anger, and pain. This younger self can lie dormant for years until we meet the person we feel most safe and free with. Acknowledge the younger self or what you resist will persist.
3.	Develop An Emotional Vocabulary. When we are unable to articulate exactly how we feel during a disagreement, we may act it out in anger or make unreasonable demands. This frustration comes from not knowing how or what we are feeling. This translates to not being understood. Developing an emotional vocabulary allows you and your partner to express feelings in a healthy manner. Marshall Rosenberg’s Non-Violent Communication is an excellent source. Remember, by communicating to your partner with this emotional maturity, you are modeling for them.
4.	We All Have A Trigger. During my two years of research, I have found five main emotional triggers that set us off. There is no shame in admitting to one. We all are equipped from childhood with at least one. They are as follows: Control, which comes from being dominated. Neglect, which comes from being ignored. Abandonment, which comes from being removed from a parent or caregiver, could be emotional, physical, or relational. Betrayal, which comes from trusting an adult who abused or betrayed that trust. Many children who were victims of sexual or physical abuse will carry this. Children who have been lied to may experience trust issues. And fifth, Rejection, which comes from having an overly critical, judgmental parent or caretaker. Being aware of our own emotional trigger, and compassionate towards our partner’s trigger, is the first step to understanding ourselves and our partner.
5.	The Power Struggle. According to the Relationship Coaching Institute, stage one of an intimate relationship journey is the romantic stage. In this two year stage, we focus on connection, enmeshment, and our partner’s needs. In the power struggle stage, each partner carves out their autonomy. This stage is self serving and the battle ensues for control, individuality, and a strong desire for each partner’s unique emotional and functional needs to be met. Although this phase is healthy and normal, it must be negotiated with mutual respect, clear communication, and conflict resolution or it will go on endlessly. Breakups and divorce are most common in year three for this reason. Sit down together and co create a written list of each partner’s sexual, emotional, and foundational needs.
6.	Communicating an Issue. Always try to use “I” statements instead of “you” statements. “You” passes blame. Before speaking, take time to connect with yourself. Most issues are fear based. Ask yourself, “What am I afraid of?” Being alone? Not being loved? Infidelity? Not being attractive? Abandonment? Being controlled? Not being able to trust? Express this fear as a need to your partner. We tend to accuse when we feel insecure. So when an issue arises ask, “What is my need? What am I insecure about?” Articulate accordingly.

The best way to deal with a difficult person is to teach on paper. Present research articles on conflict resolution, different communication styles, love languages, and conscious awareness. Leave an article for them to read every other week. Difficult people are resistant to change and self growth, so educate them patiently and tenderly. Very often this personality type operates on “Autopilot” from the subconscious, unaware of their own needs and insecurities, removed from their own emotions. They tend to be reactive or withdrawn. Be patient and provide an emotional and relational education in writing to increase awareness.

Denise Wade, Ph.D. is devoted to helping committed couples reignite passion and intimacy through awareness of each other’s unique sexual and emotional needs. Denise provides gender education coaching, a comfortable alternative to marriage counseling. www.sweetharmony.net | 1-215-913-7997